You would think by now I would have learned that the answer you seek doesn't always present itself. For months I have been wasting my time just thinking if I 'let things take their course' I will figure out what I really want. More like, I was hoping something disastrous would happen and work itself out accordingly. Well it's been months, and I still don't know. I want to stay but at the same time, my sense of doubt, and what I imagine to be my future, keeps me thinking otherwise. I have started wondering if I've just become selfish. Regardless, I have to make a decision, and soon. No more excuses. No more living two separate lives and deeming it 'okay'. It's no wonder I have turned a bit more crazy and cynical within this past year. One half of me wants freedom and the other half is too cowardly to accept it, so I have taken on both traits combined? I wish I knew at what exact point I start digging myself this hole, and what I have to do to fill it in... preferably with me on top ;)

"In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn't fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get it. This isn't because the universe is cruel. It's because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don't appreciate things that fall into our laps." - The Game ~ Neil Strauss

Like, yeah and stuff...

Woot mofugga.

Woot mofugga!

I'm getting shoved into the deep pit of doubt and dissatisfying brain waves.
Where I will fall I shall not know.
I'm getting cut short and my feelings shall falter.
Don't push me too hard, or it will be the end.

I am not your savior.
I don't want your responsibility.

If you believe you're dumb, that very belief will make you dumb.

You know, I used to think I was mentally insane... that I thought too hard about things. My ability to zone out has derrived from my constant questioning of myself and other people. When I'm zoning, I'm manipulating situations in my brain. Analyzing a structure of something, down to it's core. Why are we the way we are? Why does everything always get so fucked up?

As I continue maturing, I'm realizing more and more how lucky I am. I suddenly realize, that despite my petty problems, I could honestly not ask for anything more.

I personally believe that the core of happiness (or better, more realistically put: a content and joyful living), is family.

Family are your go-to people for any and every emotion. You need an escape? They will break you free. Sad? They will hold the tissue. Confused? They will do their best to extend to you their knowledge.

I cannot imagine living without one. Even with our odd qualities and issues, I still can't see us as anything less than perfect.

Dad may drink excessively, pissing everyone off.

Mom may have her anxiety attacks, driving everyone else nuts.

Brother may be currently failing at the game of growing up.

But I love them all the same, and can never smile harder whenever I see them.

And all you can do is hope that everyone may be learning, and that no matter what, we will always be there for one another in the end. Always.

However, one of my biggest issues has always been the question of doubt. Never have I done my best work because I doubt every move I make, and my trust issues with other individuals makes me doubt them all the same.

"What-ifs"... are the devil.

I just wish there weren't so many invisible evils in this world... pushing us in directions that only lead to darkness. The dwelling and punishment against ourselves. The allowing of others to leech onto us, and teach us these evils.

In the end... "What-if"... alcohol does get the best of all of us?

Then what?

P.S. My job blows.

You have an idea?
How will this benefit me?
Of course.
Right.
I do what I must.
By any means necessary.
You call on me?
Vanquish the weak.
Wake up, time to die.
Don't waste my time.
Stay out of my way.
I have returned.

OWNAGE!

----
I don't like that look... can we like... never ever use that look again?

Wow, I practically forgot I had a livejournal for a moment there. Things have been so... I don't know. I haven't really been on the computer much...
Mainly all I have been doing is working, going to school, seeing my bf (which is usually really late at night after work, the only free time i end up having... no wonder we are suddenly movie freaks), and driving to New Port Richey bc after all the shit I have to deal with in Tampa (mainly work), seeing the family is quite a relief.
Despite all that, a lot of realities have been hitting me, but in a good way. I used to not think about my future much... not that I was scared of it... but why rush it? I continue not to rush it but am at least starting to plan. Goals keep individuals in line, and yet I never followed one goal. During tennis in high school, I never cared whether I won or lost. I was #1 on the team, playing all the other schools best players, and I never tried my hardest. I won most of them not trying, so it pisses me off to think I might have actually been able to take that somewhere.
I don't know what has always made me so lethargic about my desires.
I do regret that now but am learning. It's funny, I'm not so great at tennis now, and I am taking it as a class now. There are actually some good kids playing, and we've just started a tournament. For once I want to do my best... and I surely will. I'm actually really glad I took this class.

I'm sorry to all my friends who haven't seen me much...

...Which just about covers.... everyone
I still love you all though, don't forget that. And don't start the rumor that it's because I have a boyfriend now. My job just wears me down, and a lot lately I have been hitting pits of laziness where all I want to do is sit and do nothing. Not very exciting I know, but I'm going to do my best to change all of this.
Any Thursday nights anyone wants to hang out, let me know. I'll make it a priority. I miss my friends.

Hope all is well. Loff ya.

The direction is there, but I still feel a lack there of.
At least I have someone here who continuously makes me smile.
It's the only reminder I have not to take things too seriously.
To be happy.

When I smile now, it's genuine.

PS I love vodka. haha.

IHOP: International House of PLEASURE.

That's what I'm going to start telling ppl. :D